Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Food
I can’t remember the pain, but I can rekindle the embers that fueled this spiritual train / I bartered with the Father so that He may part with the coffer that had an emblazoned emblem that resembled my name / and the contents remain, unknown because my brain is too strong and my heart is too weak / I’ve been unable to decipher the mystic transcript transcribed in perpendicular lines on the sides / the Father told me the key to unlock the chest resides in those lines and only a pure heart could translate each part to make it whole and once made whole the keyhole shall appear / “my son,” He said, “close your mind, close your eyes, and see with your heart,” / the darkness however, continues to impede my vision, I guess I still haven’t heeded the messages given unto me / misinterpretations of divine words provides fuel for fools in search of wisdom without actually listening / divinity never divides nor does divinity decide, the volition to chose rest in the palms of the Fools who don’t seem to recognize when they’re given the Food / the Food is the fuel that pervades the heart and soul of an individual who genuinely seeks to become whole / there’s no reason or logic in faith, it what it is, and until I learned to shut down the brain and fully submit, my coffer will remain closed / I now seem to remember the pain, as I rekindle the embers that fueled this spiritual train / dismembered by disbelief, unsatisfactory outcomes led to the removal of my plum, my pain began to gain momentum as Him on occasion I forgot to mention / forgetting to Honor.Infinity’s.Maker is a one way excursion to a 1st class incursion of demonic thoughts and actions into one’s faction causing division of the mind, body, and soul / once that happens chaos is in control, regardless of ones desire, one will be mired in discontent and confusion forced to believe illusion as the demonic thoughts expedite their intrusion into the fragile mind and unprotected heart / it is then that thou now art seeks absolution, for the dissension, in search of fuel, even though the Food was given / I’m making it my mission to regain my plum, and allow Him to relieve me of this pain / I closed my eyes, closed my mind, and opened my heart, then the lettering on the sides of the coffer began to offer themselves to my heart / openly I accepted them one by one, and slowly the lock became undone, to reveal the seal of the Father for my eyes only / the emblazoned emblem that resembled my name elevated and radiated a mellifluous substance that relieved me of my pain / “my son” he said, “you’ve closed your mind, you’ve closed your eyes, and saw with your heart now thou art a poet again” /
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Am I my Brother’s and Sister’s Keeper.
ReplyDeleteImagine not wanting to or not being able to do something.
But you do it any way. Imagine being view as the one who
Should never need to be helped, but you fall upon not so
Better days. Imagine trying to directly address someone,
And they brush you off, like you just ain’t said shit, imagine
Connecting a bunch of father fuckers together, yet to show
For it you ain’t got shit. Imagine being a father with no children,
And being made to feel that you ain’t grown, imagine somebody
Coming back trying to tell you something that for many years you
Have been up on and known… and told them that same thang bout 5 to 10 years ago
Imagine being ahead of yo time, but not knowing the next place to go,
Imagine trying to remain humble when the whole world tells you that
You the shit. Imagine trying to make you dying brother still see the beauty
In women and true love, when his heart got tore out by a bitch, imagine your
Brother/cousin calling you a bitch nigga, when you address him directly about
Some problematic shit. Imagine you brother not responding promply on some
Unsuperficial shit. Imagine responding promply to pick up yo brother on some superficial shit.
Imagine promply responding to you daddy/pop on some superficial shit, imagine promply responding to yo sister/cousin on some superficial shit, inmagine promply responding to yo
Cousins on some superficial shit, imagine for years and years and years and years having to
Pretend that you on some superficial shit, imagine year after year subcombing to superficial
Shit. Imagine looking in the mirror instantly and being able to admit that you on some superficial shit. Imagine if the only way you could survive, is if you put up with other people’s superficial shit, while the whole time they telling you, you aint shit cause you ain’t on this superficial shit.
Inmagine being eight coming back from Jamaica thinking about going to the nba or nfl so you can get rich and build a homeless shelter that provides meals, beds, and skills so people could get back on they feet. Imagine still beating yourself up today even though you ain’t on yo feet. Imagine seeing the flaw in the hip hop community, and dropping out of college to form a record company called the family tree, with no “papertrail of contracts” cause in true honesty you believe. “my shit is yo shit, no questions that’s it, fifty fifty go at it you know that we goin split”
Imagine talking a nigga out of killing hisself while trying to write a high school English paper. Imagine taking engineering classes, when it’s art that you really savor, but being convinced by your on family that it don’t make money, “which don’t make sense,” and still wanting to help the homeless, imagine living in a house with two parents, not allowed to work, when you ask for something and almost everytime you get a no, imagine living in a group of people, and none of them take the time to get to know YOU. Imagine wanting a game boy, getting a no, you say fuck it buy me some snickers, I’ll make the money myself. Imagine having to learn how to cut your on hair cause yo daddy won’t take you to the barber shop. Imagine having no one to help you with your homework. Imagine hating gossip, but every around you loves it. Imagine hating violence, but it the only thing that your love ones respect, imagine seeing teasing, joning as a form of psychological violence, but noboby really getting it till they somewhere between 30 or 50 if they ever get it at all, imagine trying to walk in the shoes of jesus and only being 150 pounds, and about six feet tall. Imagine being at the park with you lil brother and your cousin’s lil brother playing basketball and one nigga want to shoot a notha nigga cause he
Say the nigga fouled him to hard and you can’t run cause if you run that mean you lil brother and yo cousins lil brotha is dun cause as fast as you they can’t run, so what you do… talk the nigga into putting down the gun. Imagine finally getting yo own place, and finally starting to find a sense a piece, getting ready to face man hood and provide for your self, and your brother show up at yo door step saying he need help. Imagine not wanting to let him stay there cause you already know it’s goin be bad for you mental health. Imagine doing the shit anyway cause yo cousin/roommate say that’s yo brother. Imagine exactly or worse than what you thought was goin happen happens your cousin/roommate dun left for a loose bitch that would’ve fucked either one of us now you stuck with just your brother… naw wait a minute, yo brother , his girlfriend, her cousins, when you come home early, a couple a niggas there, bout 5 no good bitches, and you the only one paying bills. Imagine some where in there when yo cousin slash roommate was still there, another older cousin ask to park his broke down truck in your yard, and you wake up to a stolen caddilac. Imagine working a fedex from 3 to 7, going to school, and taking and picking up your cousin/roommate to work, at what point do you sleep. Imagine his brother coming over to cut his hair with your seventy dollar clippers every Saturday, and he gets tired of making the drive so he takes yo shit home. Imagine yo family thanking that this is funny, imagine these same people having the adacity to try to tell you that somebody out side of the family means them no good. Imagine trying to believe that your blood still has you best interest in hand. Imagine sincerely being in your families corner, and they are only in yours if they have something to gain and I know its some that would say I do the same. But even though I have never made as much money as most of the people in my family or my friends they all have to admit to one thang. I’ve been there, trying to help, and trying not to disrespect or step on toes, that extends to shun, and willie p, and to what ever extent there family goes. Cause lord knows it ain’t easy using restrait, cause I would surpass wanye Williams, Charles manson, and ted bundy, if I exercised some of the thoughts I thank. But if I ever did that how could I ever expect any wealth to come back to my spiritual bank. Imagine selling bullshit, not knowing it’s bullshit, listening to bullshit, eating bullshit, cooking bullshill, breathing bullshit, knowing it’s bullshit, trying yo best not to add to the bullshit, but you ain’t got no money so you taking this bullshit, yet during this whole time you find yourself binded to trying your best to help your folks from experiencing bullshit. Imagine people being jealous of you and not knowing about what you go through. Them when people find out lil bits and pieces, they commence to Britney spearsrencing you. Imagine yo daddy not giving advice, and when he do he lead you wrong. Imagine yo mamma giving you advice only because it serves motives of her own. Imagine yo teachers not answering your questions or basically figure it out your self, not having the courage to say I don’t know, all the while battling for your mental health. Imagine listening to men complain about women and women complain about men, and imagine trying to catalog all the complaint adjust your self change the world by never allowing yourself your self to be part of this complaint again. Imagine trying to respect your homeboys relationship and his woman and neither one respects yours. imagine being there for everybodies hard times, and nobody is there for yours. Imagine having a suspension that your brother/homeboy/cousin’s girlfriend or wife has a thing for you, so you make a conscious decision to keep yo distance. But niggas trying to be alpha males dis respect you in an awefulI instance. Imagine a “brother” giving yo girl weed when she trying to get a government job and told me she want to stop smoking weed just in case they call back. Imagine another brother who witness an old girlfriend call on his birthday cuss him out telling him how much she love him and how he would have walked out on her if she didn’t have a miscarriage and had had the baby, so he emails the one woman that he knew could bring his spirits up to tell her that his brother needed to hear from her turn around and get drunk and tell his brother that he should thank him for getting his girl pussy wet… now I dun made some shit up in my mind… but the secret life of Gerald Williams ain’t never went that far. Can you imagine the same cousin that cry on yo shoulder about this that and the other having the adacity to telling you that only bitches make only emotional decisions, and in so many words call you bitch nigga, so many ego bruising blows I could deliver. Can you imaging a cousin calling you anytime he feeling down, wanting to nastatiaclly just ride friviously through the A-Town, but if you ever needed a listening ear, his cell phone don’t ever seem to be near. Can you imagine never cutting yo pager or cellphone off, cause you scared an emergency might happened, and you needed to be on call. Can you imagine being too damn tired to hear the phone ring the very last time that frank would call. Can you imagine being notified of his death by a woman that you thought was your soulmate that wounded your heart so bad that you no longer thought love your heart could take. Can you imagine praying for death, cause no where in your soul do you embrace suicide. Can you imagine being a pillar of strength, and children being the only ones that will verbally ask “g-juh” why you crying, when aunt matt only saw the smile. Poetry at weddings but they never came to a poetry session to hear me speaking, they never ever came to an art show, a but they want to buy my artwork while it’s still “cheap” they’ll spend 1000’s on unnecessariy acessories for cars and homes, can’t throw the poor artist a bone. I’m struggling for a place of residence, and they worried about wifi a cable being put in there home. They do 160 on an off ramp an bend up there a frame, I ain’t even in my car had something to do, but I still came. They get stuck in the mud, I use my car to get them out, I’m to tired and low on money, they put being on time for a party before giving me a ride to the house. The haven’t used that radio or speaker since the 80’s but I can’t take it to savannah state(which I intended to fix the amplifier in my new found electrical engineering state), they can’t get back to me and tell me that that can’t(which I wouldn’t be so mad) but I can make a way that I can, and have the adacicity to say to me that my current situation will finally make me a man. By that do you mean selfish? Believe it or not this ain’t even the beginning it was just my pinky nail. Who tells a pregnant woman she’s getting guttier?
I hope that wasn’t too emotional.
…In turn I fumed, we both chose to assume than handle shit grown folk style…
…Father to be stop getting so damn emotional and understand his situation…
that was the raw mad version, i wrote something else couple weeks ago after this one, but i don't have it wit me
ReplyDeleteI still don't regret what i wrote cuz it was real, from my vantage point. if i repairs burned bridges cool, if not, agree to disagree and do it peacefully. i don't pick sides, never have never will.
ReplyDelete-Now, am I my brother’s keeper?
Hell no, just a nigga bleeding internally having to let his brothers go,
...But, I’m always a phone call, beer and gas tank away -
Glad to see you cats writing again.
ReplyDelete